I know that change is a normal part of life. I really do. But when it happens so fast and so suddenly and you feel like you didn’t adequately prepare for it, change can be a very daunting thing.
For me to say that the basis of my life has transformed in just the past month is an understatement. It was a month ago today that I found out about my dad getting himself into the dilemma that we are still facing. I never ever thought I’d be someone to say that my dad would lose his job. I also never thought I’d hear of the possibility of him moving to New York City to work for a publisher and to start a new life there. I still need to talk to him more about that previous statement, because it’s still just a potential idea, but it’s definitely something I don’t want.
I don’t think that there has been a single day this week that I have not at least teared up or cried once just thinking about all that I’ll never have again. To imagine that there are even people I’ve met abroad who I will probably never get the chance to see in person again (or at least not see again for a long time) simply gives me a heartache. Moreover, after realizing the fact that my dad currently doesn’t have a source of income, money for now is scarcer. We’ve never truly struggled with money, but we definitely have to be more careful since my mom is in school and only working a part-time job at the same time.
I slept over at my French friend Marie’s dorm last night (yay freezing weather and sickness) and I kept waking up in the middle of the night just thinking about how I’m successfully going to find a summer job and how I’m going to work during the fall semester, worrying not only about paying rent but also saving as much money as I can just so I can take another trip to Europe (and even then, picking just one place in Europe to visit maybe even once a year is beyond difficult in itself). I don't know how I'm going to be able to do it all, considering the current circumstances.
I guess that 2015 is going to be a “time to grow up” kind of year. It’s good that I’ll be taking more responsibility for myself but at the same time I’m still just a kid at heart. I’m not a grown-up, and I don’t feel like a grown-up. So much more is going to change in my life as the year goes on and I’m not really sure if I’m ready for it. I wish I knew the answers as to why this is all happening to us and why we are going through what we’re going through. Did I do something to deserve this, anyway?
I hope that something really fortunate or really cool will arise from this entire situation. Change is so crazy, and the faster I know the answers to all of my unanswered questions, the more content and reassured I’ll be. I know it.
Because there’s a reason for everything.